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[06 Aug 2007|09:00pm]
[ mood | confused ]

So I've been scatter brains for the past few weeks...and yet I sit here with a blank mind. As if whatever I'm thinking about or whatever I'm feeling is just not worth my breath and words. I'm soooo fed up with how things are, but yet what is it that I'm doing to personally better the situation for myself. NOTHING. So am even I allowed to bitch?

I'm a guest in my own home...hmmmm...not even that. I think that they're secretly hoping that I'll get up and leave on my own. Its funny how she had the nerve to say I can be a real bitch when I asked if her mom was going to start paying rent. She argued that I was being that way because I was pissed off that she dumped me. When in fact I ask because her mother is here more than the both of us combined. I guess since she figures her daughter pays rent and her rich prick asshole of a boyfriend furnished the place that it's hers too. Before I only wished for her mother to be gone and now I sometimes wish she weren't home either.

One would think I would be distraught about the whole situation and that I would be crying and all...but I'm perfectly numb.

How is it that one becomes a fool and so blinded of who a person truly is...ugh...I don't even have the energy to make sense of my thoughts and write about the person I thought she would never be.

Whats even more amusing to me is that she could sit there and tell me that they don't talk about me...yet she just mixed up ims and sent me messages directed to her mother in which I'm guessing she's being asked why she's not sleeping in the bedroom with her, but instead out in the living room with me. Its apparent she doesn't want her with me. Its been obvious for a long time. With remarks such as...there's these apartments that you can probably afford on your own if you wanted to...and I bet she's trying to get her away from me more so knowing that we're not together anymore. And of course she can't upset mommy dearest. I'm done. I'm tired. I want out. I really do think so. I don't think I even care to know her as a person.

She's broken my heart by her selfish insensitive lying ways. :( She leaves no room for a friendship...or rather she gives me no reason to care to know her as a person...she doesn't respect me and with her actions, she makes it seem like the 6 years that we've known eachother doesn't matter enough to at least be honest with me on a friendship level. I don't even know whats been true and whats been a lie about the two years I spent loving her and giving her my all. She doesn't deserve my heart.

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[20 May 2007|08:49pm]
[ mood | angry ]

There's no fucken dignity, intamacy or respect between anyone anymore. I might as well plaster my whole life on the walls for everyone to fucken see. What does it matter? What respect should I hold for anyone...it involves me as well.

How do you expect me to trust you, to confide in you, when you'll only go tell someone I don't even know...just because they're your bestfriend and they "don't judge me"....FUCK YOU! Is all I have to say to that. FUCK YOU! FUCK knowing me. Forget you ever fucken knew me, forget that you'll ever know more about me.

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[19 Sep 2006|01:52pm]
I started working for VCA...it's great. It's been forever and a day since I found a job that I would enjoy as much as when I worked for Union Hill. It sucks because I only work there 3 days a week since Lindsay and I finally got a place together in Oceanside. Its a huge difference from when I first moved out. We actually have furniture! Ha ha.

It's not too bad out in Oceanside, but it's also not my cup of tea. Sucks I didn't get a chance to go to school this semester as I planned on doing so...it gets depressing to let so much time go on without really doing something with my life.

Journals aren't the same anymore.
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Blah Blah Blah [17 May 2006|10:15am]
[ mood | blah ]

It's definately been quite a long time since I've written in my journal. I can't say it's because I've been too busy...but rather I've been to drained emotionally and mentally. Others would say things are going good for me or see it that way, I, however, beg to differ.

I was fired last Monday. I'm still trying to decide whether that was a good thing or a bad one. Good because I had begun to dread every single day I had to drive to work and wished that something tragic would happen to where I didn't have to make it to work. Bad because now I'm broke, I'm horrible at saving money and must make whatever I have left last.

I went to Kansas City last week and loved it. Wished I never had left the place. It was great seeing everyone. I miss them dearly. Lindsay went with me, and she liked it as well. I only wish that we could have stayed there longer.

Other things have been getting to me as well. Lindsay finally started her new job in San Diego...well in Escondido and she wants me to move out there and it's something I wouldn't mind doing because they have really good schools in San Diego and I think I want to get back into Zoology and all. But I don't know if that's really the best thing to do. I mean I want to be with her and all...but yeah I don't know...certain feelings have arised and last night she even asked whether I was breaking up with her and I wasn't, but the thing that threw me off guard is that I actually had to think of my answer...sigh. I'm not saying that I'm unhappy in the relationship, but I do get sad sometimes about it. It's all a big mess. Lately it's also felt like we're more like friends than lovers. What to do!?

Sometimes it seems I ignore the people who love me as much as I am capable of loving someone and not them. This was written to me by one of those people I didn't return feelings for.

One night I wished for God to send me an angel, and one day my wish came true because when I least expected it God sent me you.

I never thought I'd feel this way, I can feel you even when your not here.
I was so scared to love again but just like an angel you conquered that fear.

Just when I'd given up all hope and ready to give it all in, you helped me rediscover the love I still have deep within.

You hold my hand and I can feel, you are stealing my heart, I wish you'd always been there to guide me from the start.

When I'm with you by your side I know you will always be there, to protect my broken heart and mend it with love and care.

So please understand my sweet angel I cant help but fall in love with you, but always know this one thing you are my angel, its true!

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The day goes on and on [19 Jan 2006|04:23pm]
[ mood | tired ]

The day seems to be dragging on, only to realize that if feels that way because I've been awake since 6am this morning, even more so, I didn't get much sleep last night. It's odd because normally I have no trouble sleeping over at Lindsay's. The past couple of nights or few nights that I have slept over at her place, I toss and turn most of the night. What's up with that? I have no problem falling asleep, but spend the rest of the night in and out of sleep.

Anyway, I'm stuck at work till 6pm today, sucks, I really wish I could go home now. I spoiled myself by leaving early yesterday and not working on Tuesday. I had to go deal with things in regards to my car, and yet again I have a bill I can't afford. Then yesterday I finally got around to enrolling to school for Spring 2006. Just thinking about it all is already stressing me out. How will I manage my time!? I plan to take at least three courses. Art 501, ENG 102 and I guess whatever math course is assigned to me. I have to take a placement test on Tuesday. I'm even going to attempt to study for it! I would hate to be stuck in a class lower than Calculus only because that's technically the next level I should be at. Stupidly I kept dropping the course when I was taking it two years ago. Wow I feel old, I feel like I haven't been doing anything productive with my life and time. Most of my former High School friends are on their third year and I'm just now going back...how depressing. I had been hoping to take a foreign language this semester as well, but the only one that would fit into my desired schedule would be Russian, I'm not really all that interested in learning Russian. I wish they offered German, Italian or Japanese, heck I would have even tried French, but Russian I don't care too much for. That's out of the picture, although I had talked to Donna last night and she was telling me that it wasn't too bad of a course/language.

Oh god seriously I'm going crazy here. I'm about ready to fall asleep. It's such a slow day...I keep checking the time and two think I'm here two more hours! Oh the agony! I want to crawl into bed and sleep. How often do you ever hear me say that?

So I saw Jackie this past weekend and she gave me some things she got from New York. Surprises are always so nice :) Though I already knew what it was. Then Lindsay was such a sweetie last night and got me a red rose and a balloon that said "I Love You" It was our one month anniversary, though it feels like it's been longer than that, reason could be because we dated a few month back, had we not actually broken up next month would have been six months...craziness!

We had dinner, and talked...a lot of what we talked about is still on my mind and I feel very fragile and vulnerable for some reason. I don't like it. But that's life right?

Its weird how things happen. One girl leaves, another one pops up. Reyna, someone I used to talk to before I moved to Missouri e-mailed me the other night hoping that I still checked my e-mail address that she has for me. Oddly enough, lately I have been only because I'm also expecting an e-mail from Lynda to that same account. Anyhow, Reyna used to have a crush on me but of course she too was someone I couldn't have feelings for...it's weird how I always seem emotionally unavailable. I don't mean to come off as a bitch, I promise! My heart and mind is just set on other things or someone else, can you really blame me?

I miss my buddies again...I was planning on visiting them this February or as soon as I could, but now that I'll be going back to school and only working part-time I doubt I'll be able to afford it, and that's quite depressing as well...sigh...I want to see Matt and Catie...they're my best buds. Its weird to see Catie as a sister now considering we dated...lol...I don't even really get to talk to her as much as before...because of her possessive jealous boyfriend and my work hours and the time difference. Her and Sean are planning a trip to Palm Springs so I guess I'll see her when she comes out to California, but then what about Matt? And awww...I miss Leigh and Tristan!...Sigh...I need to stop thinking about it, I only get myself down about it all.

Lindsay and I had gone to Borders the other night, it was fun. She was so cute the way she was amazed by the store. Welcome to my world baby! :)

Okay, seriously back to work...

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[13 Jan 2006|04:08pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I haven't been feeling all that great. I think it has to do with my medication. A few nights ago I had forgotten to take my pm portion of it, then the following when I took my pills I felt ill. Which is how I still feel today. But then at the same time it feels as if I'm getting a cold or that my kidney infection is coming back. I was just talking to Troy about this, and he thinks its a virus going around because that's how he's felt ever since Thanksgiving. If that's the case, what else will come my way. This morning I had a hard time getting up, woke up with a migraine and it's now back. I hate it. I was so out of it that I slipped while walking to my car...ha ha...clumsy me :) It's hard not to laugh each time I fall, run into things and what not. No matter how hard I try not to do so, moments later I'm tripping over my own two feet. How does that work?

Last night I went out with Vero, while we were out and about, Lynda was text messaging me about how things aren't really going the way she wants them to with her current girlfriend. She always talks to me or turns to me when things like this happen. She even asked that if things didn't work out between Lindsay and I if I would consider trying things out between her and I. I didn't know how to respond to that because it's also like a broken record for her. She had me once, didn't take up the chance, rejected me, now she's the one pursuing me at her convenience.

So my entry was longer than this but my computer froze up and this draft had been saved...time to leave...

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Scatter brains... [10 Jan 2006|07:05pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I went out dancing Sunday night. At first I wasn't going to go, but I didn't want to seem like a flake and cancel out on Jeffrey. That and I knew I would up all night either way, so might as well kill time doing something. I hadn't been to Velvet in such a long time. I went with Jeffrey, Glenda, Rachel, Jessica, Andy and Johnny. I met Johnny that night...but anyway, as usual it was somewhat frustrating when you want to dance all night but the people you go with don't feel the same. I guess they were too busy trying to pick up on people. Clubs and bars are the wrong places to find someone...well I think so anyway. It seemed like Johnny wanted me to meet his sister, or rather I got that impression because he kept telling me about her and then even mentioned that her and I wouldn't work out because we fall into "different scenes" and she's hella butch...the whole time I was thinking...um okay, I'm not interested, I'm taken. Aside from that, I was paranoid that Stacey would be there. She had gone to Velvet last Sunday, so I figured there was a possibility that she would show up.

She hasn't talked to me ever since Emily posed to be me and text message her to quit trying, that she wasn't getting anywhere trying to pursue me because I'm with Lindsay now. Of course I was inclined to tell her that it was Emily text messaging her pretending to be me, but that I did feel that way. That I didn't think it was right that she would talk to me about wanting to see me, and wanting to kiss me when she knew very well that I have a girlfriend and in return has one herself. Of course she made it seem likw she didnt know what I was talking about, but whatever...I did however get a message from her last night...but I was in the middle of something...ha ha...

I got bitched at today, it pissed me off the reasons Spike was going off on me. Is it really my fault that Troy hasn't been working on his e-mails, or that George fucks around most of the time on websites, or that Ginny is too busy making personal phone calls and they're work doesn't get done??? But whatever it wont matter anymore not when I start school eventually...which reminds me Ginny was talking to me about how if I really wanted to pursue Interior Design that she could get me an internship with Gensler...so that's something to think about.

Kenya had her baby last night, for some reason it was quite exciting...I don't know why...its not like we're close...she's closer to Edgar and Jeffrey.

I got the sweetest message from Leigh yesterday. I miss both her and Tristan...I miss baby sitting him and talking to Leigh. It's always sooo...what's the word soothing?...talking to her. She's like my personal therapist...

Which reminds me everytime I start thinking about going back to therapy I get distracted. I guess it's because it's such a hastle having to find a therapist and being comfortable...on that note, leopards might not be able to change their spots, but I've never considered myself a leopard.

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Cyberslut me :) [09 Jan 2006|05:04pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So I have a new reader! I'm so excited. Thanks for the comments. I'm very amused by you. Sorry it didn't work out and you remain bitter.

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...hmmm...not sure what to call it [23 Dec 2005|12:43pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Last night I went to a hooka bar with Daisy and Stephanie...and this one other girl named Emily...I used to go to school with them. It was alright, I was hungry most of the time but was scared to eat because of the way I was feeling and didn't want to make it worse. It was kind of weird to hear them talk about all their college stories and experiences because it was only a reminder that I'm not in school and not doing anything with my life in regards to that. It's always so frustrating. I wish I would already make up my mind about things. But no school interests me here in California and the ones that due, I would basically have to start off as a freshman because they don't take transfers. So do I really want to go ahead and do that? It sucks when you're constantly reminded of how people expected so much success from me and what not in regards to school. Sigh...what to do.

Anyway, this morning was neat!...Lindsay sent me a dozen white roses. They were at work. I was walking down the hallway and was like hmmmm interesting and when I got closer and noticed they were white roses, I was like...hmmmm...my favorite and then I looked down to see who they were for and I got so happy and automatically knew it was from her. It made my day. It sucks she wasn't there for me to hug and kiss and thank her for them. Now they're being used for decoration for a testimonial for one of our products at work. I was like HEY!...lol...sorry babe! I get to take them home later I hope, or maybe I'll have to wait till Tuesday :-| And my boss thought he had missed my birthday. I was like um...no...I had to think about it...ha ha that's bad when you have to do that.

Anyhow aside from this, Emily called me to give me information about her grandmother's funeral and viewing...I was shocked that she actually called. I don't know how to take that, or if I should even make an appearance with the way things are between the two of us.

Okay, so I better get off of here and finish up some things for work so I can head out early. YAY!

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Oh got dammit! [23 Oct 2005|11:36pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I know there was something else I was wanting to vent off about!...And it's killing me not remembering what it is. I think it has to do with positive and negative reinforcement. Something I read about while I took animal behavior. Hmmm...I'll soon rememebr.

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Turning pages of time... [23 Oct 2005|09:42pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So my dear dear friend is finally performing. Something she's waited to do for a long time. I'm so happy for her, but at the same time the news makes me kind of sad because I'm of course not 21 to get into the place. Sigh...oh well as if life right. But then again it's what you make of it. You know I never understood that phrase...well yeah, but it really makes no sense to say it at times because there are so many damn restrictions and laws that you really can't make life what you want out of it...because either you're too young, or you're too this and that and what you will. So I say fuck it, fuck that damn phrase!...yet I'll still use it :(

Moving on...

Hmmm...that's a thought. Something I've come to realize. I hate sex. I do. I was thinking about this earlier while driving home from going to the Long Beach Aquarium with Lindsay...

Yes I love to make out. Sometimes that's all I'll ever want from someone. But like I find it so freakin amusing when the other person ends up being turned on and I'm like ummm..."I sure as hell hope don't think you're getting some from me!" Seriously if I'm making out with someone, and I'm not making a move on them or whatever, don't think that just because you make a move on me, you'll get me in bed, for all you know I could be fucken bored with the way you kiss, but continue to kiss you anyway, so you won't feel completely rejected. How fucked up of me, no? Oh well. Hmmm...I guess what brought this on was thinking back on my ex-boyfriends...it's funny how they thought I would put out...keep fucken dreaming!...Then again it's the same with girls. Only if you have my interest and all will you have any chance with me.

And if you had me and then you didn't know to keep me, I'm sorry for you too. You might as well move on because more than anything, I'm far off away from you...and could careless to play games.

So yes. If I don't make a move on you. I don't like you. I'm not interested in you. If I don't flirt with you. It means just the same. So quit trying, you're only wasting my time and yours. If I don't baby you, if I'm not affectionate towards you...then more than anything I will never be so because the thought of it may just make my skin crawl.

Okay it seems like I'm just rambling on. I should just be straight forward with what I'm saying.

I want the things I can't have.
If you throw yourself at me and offer me the world and all, you will be rejected.
If you fall for me first, you will be rejected.
If you're turned on before I am while kissing, chances are, you'll end up sexually frustrated.
If I'm giving you half as kisses its because I have no desire to be kissing you.
Once again I want the things I can't have and if you try and change things to where you were once trying to get at me and then read this journal entry and thought to yourself...hmmm maybe I should play hard to get...I'll see straight through you and you'll only put me off even more.

If I don't want you, you will never have me. If I want you, I will never have you. Plain and simple as that. And if you have me, you won't know how to keep me, because you'll be so selfish and too into yourself as are most people I fall for. Or you won't know how to appreciate what it means to be with me.

If you make me your world, you'll be rejected. If you try and spoil me you'll be rejected. If you try too hard you will be rejected. If you annoy me on sight you will be rejected. If I don't declare or show any signs of interests in you, I never will be and you will be rejected. If you had me and let me go and I still had feelings for you, then you have lost me, things won't ever go back to being the same and I would not want to go back to anything when you set me free. I will see it as I wasn't making you happy. That I'm not the one you see. I'm not the one you desired. The one you adored. The one you wanted. If you set me free, then that's the end of it, unless I'm a fool for you and make exceptions...but how often do I really do that. Show me you're worth it. Then the rest of you just fuck off!

Oh yes and I can't stand those that make it all about sex. That only think about sex, that only want sex and need sex. Sex isn't important and if I'm sleeping with you and you try and get some every fucken night or 24/7 and you're the one making the moves, more than likely I'll be faking it and believe me I'm a pro at that! Don't get me wrong, if you're someone I desire, someone can turn me on, kudos to you! :)

I can't stand those that make relationships their world and are scared to be alone and are miserable to be alone. I can't stand those that think it's the end of the world when they get dumped. Get a fucken life! I HATE those that try and get me to make them my world when I have better things to do and focus on. Like my own freakin life, chances are you won't know how to keep me, so why make someone my world that can't even hold my interest, or can't appreciate me for me.

Fuck off! I utterly can't stand judgemental and manipulative bitches! You make me sick. You will never have me!

On a lighter note this is what I scored :)

Take the quiz: "What type of kisser are you?"

Romantic kisser
This kind of kisser will be a good husband or wife.

Too bad I won't be gettin married! Hmmmm...I would be a house wife...lol...and I'd want to be the one to spoil you. So how does that work?
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No need to understand... [20 Oct 2005|07:35pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I don't ask for you or anyone for that matter to understand or analyze my actions. What I do is my own damn business. My reasons for doing such things is also my reasons. You wouldn't understand because you've never been in my shoes. You've never experienced life through my eyes, my heart, my mind. So why stress over something you don't have a say so in, or if it doesn't concern you. Now if my actions had to do something in regards to you, then that's when you should fucken worry. That's when you should try to understand me...when you should stick your nose in, as opposed to somewhere it doesn't fucken belong. Don't feed me lines of how much you care about me, and you do it because you're concerned. I don't want to fucken hear it. Don't tell me you understand when you REALLY FUCKEN DON'T. Please don't try and read me, don't try and give advice when it's not asked for. Just back the fuck off and let me do my own thing.

With that off my chest...today was my first day...not that bad, though my mind was elsewhere. My co-workers are okay. Out of all of them I would say I liked Troy the best...towards the end of the day he was the one training me. I think I learned more from him, than I did from Ginny. But then again, she was out of it, so that doesn't really count. So far things are fine, I enjoyed it more when I was actually doing the work as opposed to getting trained on how to...I'm a quick learner, and a very good observer...no need to repeat things twice, but I didn't want to seem like a smart ass by saying something, so I just let them go on and on about the same thing.

Anyway...I'm off now to meet up with Vero...we're going for coffee...my head is killing me though. It has been all day...but I already know the cause of it..so yeah.

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Gardens and Security Dogs... [19 Oct 2005|09:30pm]
Funny story I tell ya! Though it might be one of those "You had to be there" ordeals.

Happy that I had money for coffee, I dragged Emily along with me to Starbucks. Since it was also an early night, I decided to drive around for a while, wondering where we could go to kill time. I ended up driving to a park I was curious to...what's the word...visit? I had learned about it while Leigh was visiting for her friend's wedding. It's actually the park/garden where the wedding was held.

It was 9 something at night and the parking lot was still open so I assumed the park itself was still open as well. We parked and walked in. I was pleased with the site and setting or the place.

The pathways were lit and there were lit fountains as well...reminded me so much of Loose Park and the Plaza in Kansas City. Since we were away from the city lights, we were able to see some of the stars above us and somewhat of a full moon. ...hmmm to be continued.

-- 10/23/05
So I meant to continue this story but I've gotten tired of re-telling it...so yeah those of it that know it...it was quite amusing. The things I get myself into. Good times. At least I can laugh about it. I'm not some prissy chick that yeah...can't take a fucken joke or some girly girl that god forbid this and that gets on me because I'll have to go home and change...

I'm a klutz. I'm a dork. I'm not careful. I'm just me! So deal with it bitches!...oh lordy! Jeffrey is getting to me...lol.
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[11 Oct 2005|08:42am]
[ mood | content ]

I always feel as if there's something I'm supposed to remember about October 11th...it's been like this for a few years now...but I can't remember for shit what it is...oh well.

Anyhow, I'm soooo happy...maybe happy isn't the word, but it's the best I could think of at the moment. I have a new toy!...I can make my own ringers now, it's overwhelming in a good way because I want this one and that one and blah blah blah...ha ha...I don't know why things like this make me happy. I guess it's something new to create, and I like creating things. Okay moving on.

Have I ever mentioned I LOVE making out!?

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Te olvidare, me olvidaras [07 Oct 2005|01:23am]
[ mood | depressed ]

It feels like I haven't slept for days. I'm so tried. No exhausted. Like a zombie. You would think I were back on prozac. I'm not. I'd be asleep if I were back on it. Oh so tempting. That's not the life I want though, to have to depend on some substance to get a good nites rest. I've forgotten what it's like.

I've been listening to the same song over and over. It makes me want to dance. Grab a hold of someone dance in unison. Have the world stop and revolve around us. Then when the moment is right grab a hold of her hands pull her close to me, place her hands around my waist and keep them there, dance, become one, sway together, looking into eachothers eyes, smiling and kiss...get lost in one another and be happy. But as it would be...its hard to find someone who moves just right...the perfect fit...thanks Amanda...you made my top 8 by the way ;)...still care to dance?

A girl that I emailed with back and forth passed away, I always procrastinated responding...it wasn't that I wasn't interested in wanting to get to know her, I was...just I don't know. Now she's gone. I was even going to write to her the last day she logged on, but didn't make time for it. She was 20 years old. Her bday is the same day Danielle passed away if I remember correctly...she also died at twenty. A week away from her 21st bday. Hearing about Roxy passing away unleashed feelings I hadn't allowed myself to feel about Danielle dying. I was in denial. Didn't believe it, still can't. Didn't allow myself to mourn her...and now this.

I would rather lose contact with someone then to learn of their passing on. Or just avoid meeting people and getting close to them. Its not fair...

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Admit defeat and accept rejection! [06 Oct 2005|07:48pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

It always fucken amazes me how someone can't be straight forward or blunt with someone to avoid hurting that person. What's the fucken point!? Really, please explain it to me. You only confuse the person even more. I'm learning to accept it, and learning to get over not wanting to hurt someone because being blunt seems so mean or comes off as harsh...at least it saves the whole leading someone on bullshit...no one can come at you and say...well you never said anything, you never cleared this up for me, you never did this and that and blah blah blah.

So if you're someone who likes me, and I don't return the interest, I do apologize for that, you can't help who you fall for...don't take it into offense if I don't respond to you...I'm only looking out for you. Which is why I've given up flirting it makes things way too fucken complicated. Basically if I have never confessed to you that I currently have a crush on you, or that I am interested in you as more than just a friend...please, I ask you please don't fall for me, I will only hurt you, but not intentionally and it won't only hurt you, I'll hate the fact that I'd be doing that to someone I care for as a friend.

And if you're someone I like, then do me the favor and tell me straight out and flat out there's not a single chance that we will be together, if you have no feelings there. It's only fucken fair...you don't deserve my love and adoration...you're not worthy of my fucken love. Not worthy to claim ownership over my heart. FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF!

Ugh! it all makes me want to vomit! *Gags*

Don't love me.
I am not yours to keep.
Don't fall for me.
I will only turn you away.

Allow me to show you,
Show you the ways I adore her.

Taste my kiss,
A passion that runs deep.
Taste my mouth,
A lasting hunger for her.

Hold me close,
A void you will never fill.
Please let go,
Your love will be abused.

Empty words,
I will feed you.
Lead you on,
And hurt you.

Stay clear from me.
My heart is hers.
You've been warned.

Come my way,
Allow me to love her,
Allow me to feel for her,
Through you...

My deceit and rejection,
Should come to no surprise.

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Just because [06 Oct 2005|06:37pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I've decided to repost old journal entries from different online journals I've had in the past...just because

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Insomnia leads to this... [12 Sep 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | bored ]


[1] NAME: Jullien Rodriguez

[2] BIRTHDAY: June 11,1985

[3] HEIGHT: 5'2

[4] SHOE SIZE: 5.5 in boys and 7.5 in girls

[5] EYE COLOR: Brown

[6] HAIR COLOR: Brown...but black at the moment


[8] BEEN ON STAGE: Yeah in middle school for chorus

[9] KISSED SOMEBODY: Yes, of course I love to make out

[10] BEEN DUMPED: Yes, I should have seen it coming!

[11] GOTTEN INTO AN ACCIDENT: Hmmm...not because of my own wreckless driving.

[12] EATEN AN ENTIRE BOX OF SWEETS: Not a box what about a bag?

[13] DYED YOUR HAIR: Yes, that's why it's black and not brown.

[14] CHOKED IN FRONT OF SOMEONE: Explain choked.

[15] WENT TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PJ'S: Nope...I have to work tho.

[16] GOTTEN DETENTION: Nope the faculty liked me too much.

[17] LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT MADE YOU CRY: Yes, it's frustrating.


[19] DO THEY KNOW: Of course or I doubt we would be dating.

[20] WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: Nothing I'm into the same sex.

[21] COULD SEE YOURSELF GETTING MARRIED: I really don't know about that one.

[22] COLD / HOT: Cold

[23] BLACK / WHITE: Both

[24] RAIN / SNOW: Rain

[25] GIVE / RECEIVE: Both but usually end up being the giver.


[27] ROSE / DAISY: Rose



[30] HISTORY / SCIENCE: Science

[31] MATH / ENGLISH: Math

[32] SPRING / FALL: Fall

[33] ROCK / COUNTRY: Rock

[34] PEPSI / COKE: Both

[35] LOVE / LUST: Love

[36] EAT / SLEEP: Neither


[37] WHO DO YOU SEE THE MOST: Lindsay.

[38] WHO DO YOU WISH TO SEE MORE OFTEN: I don't know...I'd like to see Claudia.

[39] WHO DO YOU E-MAIL THE MOST: I really don't do e-mail, but lately...Vero

[40] WHO'S THE LOUDEST: Depends on the circumstances.

[41] WHO'S THE SHYEST: Normally I'm the shy one of the bunch


[43] WHO GOTS THE BEST ROOM: I don't know

[44] WHO'S THE HORNIEST: Ha ha wouldn't you like to know.

[45] WHO DO YOU TRUST THE MOST: I trust all the same till they screw me over...but I guess Leigh she's my therapist in the makin.

[46] WHO KNOWS YOU THE BEST: I don't even know myself all that well...

[47] WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND(s): I plead the fifth

[48] WHO DO YOU HAVE SERIOUS TALKS WITH: Leigh, Vero, Lindsay, Matt and Barbara every now and then.

[49] WHO GETS ALONG W/ YOUR PARENTS: I don't bring anyone home...

[50] WHO HUGGED YOU THE MOST: I don't know

[51] WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST: Anyone I dedicated time to.

[52] FOUGHT W/ YOU THE MOST: I don't know

[53] WHO ARGUE W/ YOU THE MOST: Ha everyone at one point or another.


[55] IS MOST LIKELY TO BECOME A MODEL: Anyone reaching that goal.

[56] HAVE KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST: Cecilia though I don't talk to her anymore

[57] DO YOU KNOW MOST ABOUT: Anyone who dares share their life with me.

[58] GIVE HUGS: Yes

[59] GIVE BACK RUBS: Umm...sometimes.

[60] TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN: Yeah and play in it too.

[61] WATCH TV: Only to watch movies or the OC

[62] GO TO THE BEACH: not really...bodies of water gross me out.

[63] DO HOMEWORK: When I actually have homework to do.

[64] PLAY IN THE SNOW: Yeah once I did it was great!

[65] WORK OUT: Ha!

[66] TALK ON THE PHONE: Yeah but usually end up text messaging.

[67] STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKIN TO A FRIEND: Everyone like's their sleep that's why I'm online.

[68] GO ONLINE: All the time...damn that myspace!

[69] BE KISSED: OF course...

[70] DO WEIRD / FREAKY THINGS: Depends what kind of weird freaking things we're talkin about here.

[71] BE WILD: In what sense ;)


[73] BEEN OUT OF STATE: Yeah and lived out of state as well, but then that made me in state there...ha ha...

[74] GONE SKINNY DIPPIN: No remember I dont like bodies of water.

[75] RAN ROUND NAKED: Nope...

[76] BROKEN A BONE: No not yet suprisingly!

[77] CHEATED ON A TEST: Yes everyone does at some point.

[78] RAN A MARATHON: I've walked a few of them out in Kansas City...more like sponsered walks not marathons.

[79] MET A FAMOUS PERSON: Yeah I think I did ...can't remember wasn't that too important to me...


[81] STOLE FROM SOMEWHERE: Of course used to do it all the time.

[82] STALKED SOMEONE: Not that I can remember.

[83] SINGLE OR TAKEN: Taken.

[85] ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE: yeah the person I'm with.


[88] MAKES YOU MAD: Liars and those that make assumptions of me without even knowing me.

[89] BAD HABITS: I'm hard on myself and eat toxic things.

[90] SCARIEST MOMENTS: I plead the fifth

[91] WHERE ARE YOU: At home

[92] ARE YOU WEARIN ANY JEWELRY: a ring, and a few bralettes...

[93] LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: earlier today.

[94] WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PANTS: light grey wind breakers.

[95] WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENIN TO RIGHT NOW: None...which is a suprise

[96] LAST THING YOU SAID: Oh sorry...


[98] LAST THING YOU ATE: I can't remember...that's bad.



[102] LAST ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE CONSUMED: A mix of raspberry pucker and some tropical juice stuff.

[103] LAST TIME YOU DRANK: last week

[104] BEST DRUNK DRIVER YOU KNOW: Catie when someone is in the car with her.

2 comments|post comment

Club Kidz [12 Sep 2005|07:50pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I miss going out with Matt and Catie. I miss going out dancing with them. I have no clubbin' buddies here :(

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Anticipation [12 Sep 2005|06:19pm]
[ mood | blah ]

It's sometimes depressing when I step back and take a look at the way my life is turning out, or rather the route I have taken with it. I remember being so focused on what it was I was going to do after high school. What school I was going to attend, where I was going to live, what career I was going to pursue and so forth. My life was planned ahead of me step by step and look at me now.

I'm stuck living with my parents. I didn't even get my AA while being out in Kansas City...but who can defeat mental breakdowns..they do have ways of destroying people's lives. I hate that I feel stuck here. If I had it my way I would be back in Missouri, working part-time at UHAH with the people I love, I'd be taking courses at Johnson County and just living a carefree life...but when has life been ever that pure and simple for me?

I'm so excited I get to go to Kansas City next week...however I do wish I could stay out there for longer. I'm only going out there for a week to finish sorting through my belongings and bring back with me whatever I choose to keep. It's a good thing I don't care to hold on to things anymore...I used to be a huge pack rat. It's funny the changes I've made, how cold I've become with myself and how much more harder I am on myself. I know it's not good for me or healthy at all, but what else can a girl do?

But anyway I'm happy that I at least get to see my girls and Matt and Catie...I miss them so much. I miss them more than my own family...that should say something. I miss being on my own and having a place to disappear and get away. It's almost impossible to have that sort of privacy under my parents household.

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